Looking For My Own Reflection

and when I find it, can I stick it back on with soap?

One of the first albums that I bought for myself, a compact disc, was Eve 6’s second album called Horroscope. I would love to write about being a pop punk cool girl drawn to the overall story of the album, who loved the bright cover art so much she went out and bought blue lipstick. But I was just one of many 15-year-old suburban white girls who bought the album to listen to “Here’s To The Night” on repeat.

You know it. “Here’s to the nights we felt alive, here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry, here’s to goodbye tomorrow’s gonna come too soon.”

When I wasn’t close enough to my stereo to press the back button, it rolled right into “Amphetamines”, and that is when I fell in love. With the rockstar yes, but more importantly with the girl I imagined he was writing about. Both of whom seemed completely inaccessible. He was seven years older than me! I was not cool enough to be “left cold two blankets deep” in his bed. And he was such a clever writer! Playing with words, linking verses and choruses like…

“But you’ve got to or you know / You’ll end up waiting by the / Phone me once in a while” where the word “phone” starts the chorus.

“Why you gotta keep the fan on high when it’s cold outside? / Just wanna let you know that I’m still a fan, get it?” Like, who puts the phrase “get it?” in a song! A cool guy writing cool songs about cool girls, that’s who.

Several lines from the song “Nightmare” made me very interested in his “A little lower little closer to the spot that’s bare”. But I’ll not list any more of them because my mother reads this. (Hi mom!)

I despaired.

Then I grew up and ran as far away from my 15-year-old self as I could. I married a cool guy who is seven years older than me. And one day a few years ago I saw Eve 6 on Twitter. Not the entire band, but the frontman himself, Max Collins, who gladly embraces the fact that people only know him as the Eve 6 Guy.

I opened my music app, found Horrorscope, and sang along with every word as if no time had passed. The album was, in fact, much more about his own life than about a cool girl, but remembering my deep longing to be that girl tugged at my core in the sweetest way.

As Joan Didion wrote, “I think we are well-advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us…” Since reading that, I have done my best to get on good terms with my past selves. Particularly that 15-year-old. She might not have been cool, but she was — she is — rather punk. Without her bravery I wouldn’t have the life I do today.

I suspect the Eve 6 Guy is also on friendly terms with the very young man who wrote those first two albums. He is too funny, sincere, and self-aware to not be. Also, sometimes he’s quite frank about it:

Turns out 15-year-old Rachel had excellent taste.

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Thank you for reading this week’s hot mushrooms! If you liked this post please share it, and I’ll see you next week.